Halloween

I think it's ironic that just a few days after my previous entry that this week's PostSecret has this postcard:

If you aren't familiar with PostSecret, I highly recommend that you check it out! It started out as an art community project in Maryland by Frank Warren. It has turned into this huge phenomenon followed by millions of people and Frank Warren is sent hundreds of postcards every day even though this all started back in 2004. We all have secrets, and PostSecret has helped us realized how many people all over the world share similar ones. I've always wanted to go to a PostSecret exhibit, but they are usually in the Northeast and the ONE time it was close enough to me here in SoCal, it was basically only for the college students...

I actually submitted 2 secrets into PostSecret, they never got posted on the site. I'm hoping that maybe at least one of them is on display at the exhibits as some of them are banned from the books... I know this is highly unlikely. I'm not bitter about it... I know that thousands and thousands of secrets have been submitted, so, mine being overlooked or deemed unworthy to share is highly likely and completely OK

OK. Maybe I'm a little bitter, but, that doesn't stop me from checking the website every Sunday when about 20 new secrets are posted.

Anyway, I'm not saying that I'm more concerned about finding a new girlfriend over getting a new job. I've been successful about quitting the dating websites cold turkey.

Dating isn't my #1 concern, but it has been on my mind. I guess I'm just getting used to being single and it's weird for me. Don't judge! I'm sure some of you are thinking, "dudette, you haven't been single for THAT long!" I have a couple of friends who have been single for years and probably want to slap me right about now.

I've been doing well in the thinking-just-about-me department. I've been doing research on the different grad schools I could go to as I'm considering going part-time instead of full-time, I've been working on my YA novel, and working on continuing to eat healthy and get into better shape (not for vanity/dating purposes, I swear!)

So, yes, I am single and I'm OK with that and I'm just working on my stuff! I'm even planning on getting my butt out of my place to work on my novel at a cafe! This cafe just so happens to be a gay-friendly one in Long Beach...

Hey, I said that I wouldn't go actively looking for a date, but I didn't say that I wouldn't allow myself to be out there and available for someone to happen upon me or vice versa...Don't judge me... I have family that live in Long Beach anyway, so it's not like I'm driving 30 miles just for a cup of coffee among lesbians! If I'm not going to any lesbian bars as they are not my thing and I'm trying to get hired at a place where it really isn't appropriate or a good idea to meet potential dates AND I have horrible gaydar, where else am I going to meet someone without succumbing to online dating?

Why do I keep talking about this? I'm attempting to hold onto certain ideas of dating and love. Also, in all honesty... I'm scared. This is the first time in my life being single as a relatively out lesbian, so, I'm a little anxious

It's kind of like... I don't want a relationship right now, dating would be nice but isn't necessary, but that worry of not meeting anyone exists. I know it's illogical. I never thought of what it would be like to be gay and single before. It was different when I was single but wasn't 100% certain I was gay (because denial is such a strong force), and then I met the one and only girlfriend I've ever had (yup... I've only had just the one) and during that relationship is when I finally accepted that I am lesbian and came out. So, now, I'm left with this new situation, and just like anything unfamiliar it's scary.

Now, if I was interested in more butch lesbians, maybe I wouldn't worry so much? I have NO problem identifying those women as gay, but, let's be honest, who DOES have a problem figuring out that those women are gay?

But, alas, those are not the type of women I am attracted to, and let's continue this honesty thing here- physical attraction IS important to a certain extent! I mean, I can agree that Kate Moennig is good looking, but even SHE isn't my cup of tea

So, I'm sure by now you've figured which celebrity is more like my cup of tea -Olivia Wilde- but I also don't live in la-la land and think that I could find a lesbian that looks like her and also be attracted to someone like me. Someone inbetween Olivia Wilde and Kate Moennig would be nice...

So, I guess what is fueling this fear is the fact that when I look at my surroundings in my everyday life, I don't see the opportunities of meeting someone. I realize this is an over generalization, but, in the straight world, any person of the opposite sex that you meet is basically an opportunity. In the gay realm, you can meet someone of the same sex but have NO idea whether or not they are gay and on top of that whether they are interested in you. Also, being a part of one of the smallest minorities in the world doesn't help ease this fear...

However, this isn't something that I am losing sleep over and it's really not a priority in my life right now. It's still scary and unfamiliar, but, that's what makes life interesting isn't it?

In the mean time, I have stuff like this to keep me occupied/drool over. Enjoy.

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