Going through the Motions

Why is it that so many of us are afraid of what’s different?

Hmm, perhaps this will make more sense if I add, especially if it would be a change for the better in our lives?

It’s amazing how our mind’s work. We’d accept what’s more comfortable and easier than what’s scary and perhaps hard work but what could possibly lead to greater happiness or a better life. Sometimes all that’s standing in our way is ourselves.

People tell me that I’m an old soul, probably because I had to grow up quickly.

Plus, I’ve graduated college, I’m on my way to having a “grown-up” job, I’m balancing my checkbook, getting the bills paid, and attempting to stay on top of things… I’m starting to sound like a responsible adult, no? Then why do I feel like I’m just playing house?

Why do I feel like this?

Except make the boy a girl- but the same outfit because that is something I would definitely wear and pull off! But that’s besides the point…

I used to be so efficient with my life and very goal-driven. Then, I went through a phase where I had no self-motivation for life whatsoever. I have recovered from that and have really turned my life around; however, there is always that fear of relapse. Fear can be paralyzing and time just keeps slipping by and there already aren’t enough minutes in the day

You would have figured that I would be more self-driven by now and that this fear shouldn’t be new since I’ve been living away from my parents for 3 years now. However, I had a very self-driven girlfriend who was with me every step of the way in my moving out process and dealing with this new frontier. I wasn’t handling it alone, which was good. The bad part was the fact that I let her make a lot of the decisions for me or I would consult with her on almost everything. I had lost self-motivation once already because I was allowing my parents drive my life, and I didn’t realize that I was allowing someone else to do it again.

Now that I live with a roommate who isn’t home much and don’t have classes and studying to occupy my time with, I’m left with so much of my own thoughts, procrastination and so much of just… me.

I don’t have demanding, pushy parents or headstrong, bossy girlfriend as an excuse anymore. I am left to my own devices and my own choices and it’s scary. Technically, I don’t have to make any choices to please anyone but myself, and to some that may sound so grand, but to a natural people-pleaser it’s terrifying.

I’m not trying to be a downer. It’s a good thing that I’m realizing this, because, it gives me an opportunity for change. One of the reasons why I had to break up with my ex was because I realized that I lost too much of myself. I was too passive, I went along too much with what she wanted. The problem is the few times she would ask what I wanted, I couldn’t really give her an answer or I was too timid to say it or I wouldn’t say it right or with confidence.

I wish I could have someone from the future just tell me what my life is 10-20 years from now so I had a clearer picture of what I want

Sorry, I had to find an excuse to post the above picture and provide you the link to hear Olivia Wilde call your name and say how “you are totally cuter in person”…

But seriously, it’s about time that I stop going through the motions and start pounding the mold that is my life and making it into what I want it to be.