So... I have this single lesbian friend!

One of my straight friends: So, there’s this lesbian girl I know whose single! I should totally introduce the two of you! Maybe you could hit it off?

Me: Oh really? That’s cool. Why do you think we’d hit it off?

Straight friend: …well, she’s in the psych program with me, so you have that in common!

Me: …is that it?

Straight friend: No. Um… Well, she’s beautiful!

Me: Beautiful is nice, but, what about her personality?

Straight Friend: She’s actually kinda shallow… she went to a resort during Spring Break and came back complaining about how she didn’t get laid.

Me: Yeah, um… I don’t care how hot she is, she isn’t my type. Why did you think we could hit it off?

Straight Friend: …because… *ashamedly* she’s lesbian and single…

Me: …yeah… I’m gonna pass, but thanks for trying though!

(Technically, the above picture is the “present face” but I think it totally applies.)

Don’t get me wrong, nothing against my friend- I just found it humorous that she kinda did the common thing of “Oh! I have this friend whose also gay, you’ll get along/hit it off/should date!” She even admitted to it afterward.

Now, some of you may be thinking, “dude, why shoot down a chance to get laid by a hot lesbian?!”

One, even if that is what I wanted, which is isn’t, I emanate way too many “I’m a good girl” vibes to attract that type of girl.

Seriously, I’ve been told this by a self-proclaimed “bad girl” lesbian who was physically attracted to me but once she got to know me was like “yeah, you and I aren’t compatible in that way” (which I was VERY relieved to hear from her as I wasn’t feeling it either!)

Anyway, I tried the casual dating thing and the “don’t over think just go with the flow and what feels good” route and it really isn’t me… This route led me to drunkingly make out with a straight girl…

Some of you might want to congratulate me with I don’t know… let’s say a

But, when I look back on it all I want to do is this

Was she hot? Yes. Did she ask for it? Yes. Is she perhaps at least bi-curious? Probably. But, she also ended up making out with a guy later in the evening and it just made me go

She did tell me that I was a good kisser though and a couple of other things that shall not be shared… ;-P…but that’s not the point!

The point is is that that is not what I want! I swear!

Where was I… Oh, TWO, I only want to date people who I could possibly be in a relationship with = dating with a purpose. It’s not like I expect to get into a relationship with each person I start to date, but, I’m not going to “just go for it” because a girl is hot either. Sure, kissing feels good and I miss it… (TMI?) But, I also want it to mean something other than that. I think Burt Hummel, the father of Kurt on Glee from the “Sexy” episode, said it best. I want the last kiss I’ve had to be something that makes me smile, not something that makes me gag… (no offense to that girl). I want something more, something like this

And that is something that I’m willing to wait for and abstain from my carnal desires :-P In the mean time, I shall happily gaze upon things like this

Any thoughts?

Going through the Motions

Why is it that so many of us are afraid of what’s different?

Hmm, perhaps this will make more sense if I add, especially if it would be a change for the better in our lives?

It’s amazing how our mind’s work. We’d accept what’s more comfortable and easier than what’s scary and perhaps hard work but what could possibly lead to greater happiness or a better life. Sometimes all that’s standing in our way is ourselves.

People tell me that I’m an old soul, probably because I had to grow up quickly.

Plus, I’ve graduated college, I’m on my way to having a “grown-up” job, I’m balancing my checkbook, getting the bills paid, and attempting to stay on top of things… I’m starting to sound like a responsible adult, no? Then why do I feel like I’m just playing house?

Why do I feel like this?

Except make the boy a girl- but the same outfit because that is something I would definitely wear and pull off! But that’s besides the point…

I used to be so efficient with my life and very goal-driven. Then, I went through a phase where I had no self-motivation for life whatsoever. I have recovered from that and have really turned my life around; however, there is always that fear of relapse. Fear can be paralyzing and time just keeps slipping by and there already aren’t enough minutes in the day

You would have figured that I would be more self-driven by now and that this fear shouldn’t be new since I’ve been living away from my parents for 3 years now. However, I had a very self-driven girlfriend who was with me every step of the way in my moving out process and dealing with this new frontier. I wasn’t handling it alone, which was good. The bad part was the fact that I let her make a lot of the decisions for me or I would consult with her on almost everything. I had lost self-motivation once already because I was allowing my parents drive my life, and I didn’t realize that I was allowing someone else to do it again.

Now that I live with a roommate who isn’t home much and don’t have classes and studying to occupy my time with, I’m left with so much of my own thoughts, procrastination and so much of just… me.

I don’t have demanding, pushy parents or headstrong, bossy girlfriend as an excuse anymore. I am left to my own devices and my own choices and it’s scary. Technically, I don’t have to make any choices to please anyone but myself, and to some that may sound so grand, but to a natural people-pleaser it’s terrifying.

I’m not trying to be a downer. It’s a good thing that I’m realizing this, because, it gives me an opportunity for change. One of the reasons why I had to break up with my ex was because I realized that I lost too much of myself. I was too passive, I went along too much with what she wanted. The problem is the few times she would ask what I wanted, I couldn’t really give her an answer or I was too timid to say it or I wouldn’t say it right or with confidence.

I wish I could have someone from the future just tell me what my life is 10-20 years from now so I had a clearer picture of what I want

Sorry, I had to find an excuse to post the above picture and provide you the link to hear Olivia Wilde call your name and say how “you are totally cuter in person”…

But seriously, it’s about time that I stop going through the motions and start pounding the mold that is my life and making it into what I want it to be.