Halloween

I think it's ironic that just a few days after my previous entry that this week's PostSecret has this postcard:

If you aren't familiar with PostSecret, I highly recommend that you check it out! It started out as an art community project in Maryland by Frank Warren. It has turned into this huge phenomenon followed by millions of people and Frank Warren is sent hundreds of postcards every day even though this all started back in 2004. We all have secrets, and PostSecret has helped us realized how many people all over the world share similar ones. I've always wanted to go to a PostSecret exhibit, but they are usually in the Northeast and the ONE time it was close enough to me here in SoCal, it was basically only for the college students...

I actually submitted 2 secrets into PostSecret, they never got posted on the site. I'm hoping that maybe at least one of them is on display at the exhibits as some of them are banned from the books... I know this is highly unlikely. I'm not bitter about it... I know that thousands and thousands of secrets have been submitted, so, mine being overlooked or deemed unworthy to share is highly likely and completely OK

OK. Maybe I'm a little bitter, but, that doesn't stop me from checking the website every Sunday when about 20 new secrets are posted.

Anyway, I'm not saying that I'm more concerned about finding a new girlfriend over getting a new job. I've been successful about quitting the dating websites cold turkey.

Dating isn't my #1 concern, but it has been on my mind. I guess I'm just getting used to being single and it's weird for me. Don't judge! I'm sure some of you are thinking, "dudette, you haven't been single for THAT long!" I have a couple of friends who have been single for years and probably want to slap me right about now.

I've been doing well in the thinking-just-about-me department. I've been doing research on the different grad schools I could go to as I'm considering going part-time instead of full-time, I've been working on my YA novel, and working on continuing to eat healthy and get into better shape (not for vanity/dating purposes, I swear!)

So, yes, I am single and I'm OK with that and I'm just working on my stuff! I'm even planning on getting my butt out of my place to work on my novel at a cafe! This cafe just so happens to be a gay-friendly one in Long Beach...

Hey, I said that I wouldn't go actively looking for a date, but I didn't say that I wouldn't allow myself to be out there and available for someone to happen upon me or vice versa...Don't judge me... I have family that live in Long Beach anyway, so it's not like I'm driving 30 miles just for a cup of coffee among lesbians! If I'm not going to any lesbian bars as they are not my thing and I'm trying to get hired at a place where it really isn't appropriate or a good idea to meet potential dates AND I have horrible gaydar, where else am I going to meet someone without succumbing to online dating?

Why do I keep talking about this? I'm attempting to hold onto certain ideas of dating and love. Also, in all honesty... I'm scared. This is the first time in my life being single as a relatively out lesbian, so, I'm a little anxious

It's kind of like... I don't want a relationship right now, dating would be nice but isn't necessary, but that worry of not meeting anyone exists. I know it's illogical. I never thought of what it would be like to be gay and single before. It was different when I was single but wasn't 100% certain I was gay (because denial is such a strong force), and then I met the one and only girlfriend I've ever had (yup... I've only had just the one) and during that relationship is when I finally accepted that I am lesbian and came out. So, now, I'm left with this new situation, and just like anything unfamiliar it's scary.

Now, if I was interested in more butch lesbians, maybe I wouldn't worry so much? I have NO problem identifying those women as gay, but, let's be honest, who DOES have a problem figuring out that those women are gay?

But, alas, those are not the type of women I am attracted to, and let's continue this honesty thing here- physical attraction IS important to a certain extent! I mean, I can agree that Kate Moennig is good looking, but even SHE isn't my cup of tea

So, I'm sure by now you've figured which celebrity is more like my cup of tea -Olivia Wilde- but I also don't live in la-la land and think that I could find a lesbian that looks like her and also be attracted to someone like me. Someone inbetween Olivia Wilde and Kate Moennig would be nice...

So, I guess what is fueling this fear is the fact that when I look at my surroundings in my everyday life, I don't see the opportunities of meeting someone. I realize this is an over generalization, but, in the straight world, any person of the opposite sex that you meet is basically an opportunity. In the gay realm, you can meet someone of the same sex but have NO idea whether or not they are gay and on top of that whether they are interested in you. Also, being a part of one of the smallest minorities in the world doesn't help ease this fear...

However, this isn't something that I am losing sleep over and it's really not a priority in my life right now. It's still scary and unfamiliar, but, that's what makes life interesting isn't it?

In the mean time, I have stuff like this to keep me occupied/drool over. Enjoy.

Tweet

What is this thing called Love?

Have you guys ever tried google chrome? If not, you should. This is my absolute favorite browser of all- even more so than FireFox. Yes, I said it. One of the features that it has is when you open a new tab it lists the web sites that you visit the most and the ones that you recently closed. It took a while for my most visited sites to be what I expected them to be, but once they were, this feature became very convenient. Sites like gmail, Hotmail, facebook, weather.com (yes, when you have a job that requires you to work outside, this site is important) were all there. Then, one day, a new site was listed as my “most visited”, and when I saw it there I really wasn’t sure how I felt about it… OkCupid.com.

Yup. A dating site I had been apparently frequenting more than I realized was staring at me in the face. This is when I started to ask myself, "what are you doing?"

Am I ready for a new relationship? Probably not. Yet, I do feel like I'm ready to date.

Hey, she filed for divorce from her husband... a girl can hope...

*sigh* "Just who can solve its mystery"... Anyway, my advocacy for dating websites goes back and forth. Two of my family members met and married their significant others online. The girl I met and dated for 3 years I met on craigslist.org. Yup... You read that right. I know! What was I thinking?! She could have been a psycho killer! She could have been a man!

But, you know what? She wasn't (obviously), and I'm fine (to a certain extent). We were aware of the risks and we took the proper precautions in regards to meeting for the first time and what not. Now, this does NOT mean that I recommend using craigslist to meet your match making needs. I found the diamond in the rough sort of speak when I stumbled upon her.

Not to sound pathetic,

But, I have to say, in comparison to match.com, plentyoffish.com, and okcupid.com, OkCupid.com is the best. Not only is it free, but, it is rather user friendly. How do I know this? Well... after my break-up, I went through this phase of extreme loneliness and didn't know where to meet anyone new to even think about dating. We live in the age of instant gratification, it's both a gift and a curse.

I've learned a lot about myself since my break-up and the 2 dating endeavors I have embarked upon since. I'm still learning now. This may sound odd, but, I'm trying to work on being more selfish... I've become more guarded. I've told the hopeless romantic in me to "shove it" and I feel like my heart looks like this

Why am I talking about this when the premise of this blog is figuring yourself out after getting your BA? Because, whether I like it or not, one of my top desires is close companionship, closer than family and friends... I know I should just focus on figuring out my career and educational path, but, I found myself frequenting OkCupid.com more than researching different grad schools. Perhaps it was just part of the process of mending my heart?

I'm almost 24 years old, and I feel like a teenager again in some ways in regards to dating. I haven't even really dated much and I unfortunately have horrible gaydar

I know what you're thinking, "Hello! You live in Southern California! Go out to a lesbian bar!" For one, I reside in the Orange County bubble... I realize that West Hollywood is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, but, the girls I've met at bars aren't really MY type of girls... Meeting someone at a bookstore, on the other hand... maybe I can find a lesbian bookstore...

Needless to say, I've disabled my OkCupid account... not deleted... disabled. Using that website was both inflating and deflating to my self-esteem to the point of exhaustion. Then, once I saw the site appear on my "most visited" list, it made me wonder how good visiting that site so often was really doing me. The hopeless romantic that is still barely breathing inside me can't let go of the thought that there is some fate in this world... And, for now, I don't think I'm going to find my "fated girl" on the internet. I definitely feel like I shouldn't be avidly searching for her. Maybe there isn't a fate? Maybe there is more than one girl who would make me truly happy? Maybe there is more than one girl who I could spend the rest of my life with and create a joyful, good life together?

Whatever the answer is, I'm not going to desperately search for it. It may be a little lonely, but, I have my friends and family and a life that I'm still molding into my own. And with that, I'm

Tweet

There is life outside your apartment

So... I'm a homebody. I've known this fact for a long time and have been quite OK with it.This is me on a typical night when I'm not working. Just replace that bottle of soda with a beer (OR water!) and replace that magazine with a novel like The Hunger Games or anything by Laurie Halse Anderson (or my laptop, I mean, who am I kidding, I'm a little addicted to facebook). Also, replace that fancy, cute nightgown with some plaid PJ pants and a boy's XL tagless undershirt like this (seriously, if you are a girl my size, they are SO comfy and SO much cheaper than adult undershirts, lol). Lastly, replace the blonde, I may have a thing for blondes but I personally am not blonde and most likely don't look that cute chillin' on the couch.

Anyway, so, why am I becoming more restless as a homebody? Because, I no longer have someone to be a homebody with.

My recent desire to sort out what I want in life actually started with the ending of a 2 year and 9 month relationship... It's hard when you begin to question whether you are pursuing something for yourself or for someone else. I recognize that my life isn't all about me; however, I'm the type of person who easily compromises and makes their life all about others. Neither are good, in my opinion.

Please don't get me wrong, it was a relatively good relationship. I still love her (just in a different way now,) and we're trying to remain friends. She was my best friend after all... That is what really sucks, when you lose your girlfriend and best friend at the same time. Here is one of the ways that I went wrong with this relationship, among other things, I forgot about my friends. My older sister is saying, "I told you so" somewhere right now...

We all get into the stage in a relationship, especially when it is new, where it is all about us! You know that stage, where everyone just wants to gag with the sight of the 2 of you together?Even after this stage in our relationship passed, I allowed myself to become more distant with my friends and really only spent time with my girlfriend. I had a lot of fun and will always cherish those memories, but, I left myself vulnerable to getting lost in the relationship. I had no 3rd party witnesses to what was going on. My friends and family had to rely on simply what I was telling them was going on, and the ones who did kind of see that I was starting to lose some of myself or that we weren't as compatible as I thought we were, they weren't close enough to me personally to feel comfortable telling me that and I don't blame them.

May I clarify that I do have friends, but, I don't have a best friend anymore. Any takers? haha. There is life outside my apartment, and I need to get off my ass and stop worrying! So, what am I doing? I'm trying to reconnect with people who have been there for me and making myself get out there more. It's what Social Psychologists call the "mere exposure effect". Basically, we like who we see often, because they are familiar to us- doesn't sound very charming does it? It's like the chicken or the egg question- do you see them often because you like them or do you like them because you see them often? So, once I leave the dating realm and do try and settle into a new relationship, I shall not allow myself to forget about my friends. Social Psychological studies have shown that your close friends and family are actually better at predicting whether your relationship will last than the actual people in the relationship... imagine that. So, needless to say, it is wise to have your close friends and family involved in your romantic relationships.

Oh, this picture doesn't fit the context? Who cares, it's Olivia Wilde! (it's homebody-ish...)

Seriously though, I took the pieces of the puzzle that was my life and took them apart- I literally did this when I took apart the puzzle of a picture of my girlfriend and I that I had made from personalizationmall.com. It was a romantic idea, (she loved it!) right up until I had to take it apart... You see, my life has become a brand new puzzle and I need to figure out what pieces go together to comprise me. I have a degree, I'm no longer settled into a relationship, I'm trying to build new, strong friendships, and my career and academic future is still a bit of a mystery.

So, this is me

And I know I'm not the only one out there!
Tweet