So... I have this single lesbian friend!

One of my straight friends: So, there’s this lesbian girl I know whose single! I should totally introduce the two of you! Maybe you could hit it off?

Me: Oh really? That’s cool. Why do you think we’d hit it off?

Straight friend: …well, she’s in the psych program with me, so you have that in common!

Me: …is that it?

Straight friend: No. Um… Well, she’s beautiful!

Me: Beautiful is nice, but, what about her personality?

Straight Friend: She’s actually kinda shallow… she went to a resort during Spring Break and came back complaining about how she didn’t get laid.

Me: Yeah, um… I don’t care how hot she is, she isn’t my type. Why did you think we could hit it off?

Straight Friend: …because… *ashamedly* she’s lesbian and single…

Me: …yeah… I’m gonna pass, but thanks for trying though!

(Technically, the above picture is the “present face” but I think it totally applies.)

Don’t get me wrong, nothing against my friend- I just found it humorous that she kinda did the common thing of “Oh! I have this friend whose also gay, you’ll get along/hit it off/should date!” She even admitted to it afterward.

Now, some of you may be thinking, “dude, why shoot down a chance to get laid by a hot lesbian?!”

One, even if that is what I wanted, which is isn’t, I emanate way too many “I’m a good girl” vibes to attract that type of girl.

Seriously, I’ve been told this by a self-proclaimed “bad girl” lesbian who was physically attracted to me but once she got to know me was like “yeah, you and I aren’t compatible in that way” (which I was VERY relieved to hear from her as I wasn’t feeling it either!)

Anyway, I tried the casual dating thing and the “don’t over think just go with the flow and what feels good” route and it really isn’t me… This route led me to drunkingly make out with a straight girl…

Some of you might want to congratulate me with I don’t know… let’s say a

But, when I look back on it all I want to do is this

Was she hot? Yes. Did she ask for it? Yes. Is she perhaps at least bi-curious? Probably. But, she also ended up making out with a guy later in the evening and it just made me go

She did tell me that I was a good kisser though and a couple of other things that shall not be shared… ;-P…but that’s not the point!

The point is is that that is not what I want! I swear!

Where was I… Oh, TWO, I only want to date people who I could possibly be in a relationship with = dating with a purpose. It’s not like I expect to get into a relationship with each person I start to date, but, I’m not going to “just go for it” because a girl is hot either. Sure, kissing feels good and I miss it… (TMI?) But, I also want it to mean something other than that. I think Burt Hummel, the father of Kurt on Glee from the “Sexy” episode, said it best. I want the last kiss I’ve had to be something that makes me smile, not something that makes me gag… (no offense to that girl). I want something more, something like this

And that is something that I’m willing to wait for and abstain from my carnal desires :-P In the mean time, I shall happily gaze upon things like this

Any thoughts?

Going through the Motions

Why is it that so many of us are afraid of what’s different?

Hmm, perhaps this will make more sense if I add, especially if it would be a change for the better in our lives?

It’s amazing how our mind’s work. We’d accept what’s more comfortable and easier than what’s scary and perhaps hard work but what could possibly lead to greater happiness or a better life. Sometimes all that’s standing in our way is ourselves.

People tell me that I’m an old soul, probably because I had to grow up quickly.

Plus, I’ve graduated college, I’m on my way to having a “grown-up” job, I’m balancing my checkbook, getting the bills paid, and attempting to stay on top of things… I’m starting to sound like a responsible adult, no? Then why do I feel like I’m just playing house?

Why do I feel like this?

Except make the boy a girl- but the same outfit because that is something I would definitely wear and pull off! But that’s besides the point…

I used to be so efficient with my life and very goal-driven. Then, I went through a phase where I had no self-motivation for life whatsoever. I have recovered from that and have really turned my life around; however, there is always that fear of relapse. Fear can be paralyzing and time just keeps slipping by and there already aren’t enough minutes in the day

You would have figured that I would be more self-driven by now and that this fear shouldn’t be new since I’ve been living away from my parents for 3 years now. However, I had a very self-driven girlfriend who was with me every step of the way in my moving out process and dealing with this new frontier. I wasn’t handling it alone, which was good. The bad part was the fact that I let her make a lot of the decisions for me or I would consult with her on almost everything. I had lost self-motivation once already because I was allowing my parents drive my life, and I didn’t realize that I was allowing someone else to do it again.

Now that I live with a roommate who isn’t home much and don’t have classes and studying to occupy my time with, I’m left with so much of my own thoughts, procrastination and so much of just… me.

I don’t have demanding, pushy parents or headstrong, bossy girlfriend as an excuse anymore. I am left to my own devices and my own choices and it’s scary. Technically, I don’t have to make any choices to please anyone but myself, and to some that may sound so grand, but to a natural people-pleaser it’s terrifying.

I’m not trying to be a downer. It’s a good thing that I’m realizing this, because, it gives me an opportunity for change. One of the reasons why I had to break up with my ex was because I realized that I lost too much of myself. I was too passive, I went along too much with what she wanted. The problem is the few times she would ask what I wanted, I couldn’t really give her an answer or I was too timid to say it or I wouldn’t say it right or with confidence.

I wish I could have someone from the future just tell me what my life is 10-20 years from now so I had a clearer picture of what I want

Sorry, I had to find an excuse to post the above picture and provide you the link to hear Olivia Wilde call your name and say how “you are totally cuter in person”…

But seriously, it’s about time that I stop going through the motions and start pounding the mold that is my life and making it into what I want it to be.

Halloween

I think it's ironic that just a few days after my previous entry that this week's PostSecret has this postcard:

If you aren't familiar with PostSecret, I highly recommend that you check it out! It started out as an art community project in Maryland by Frank Warren. It has turned into this huge phenomenon followed by millions of people and Frank Warren is sent hundreds of postcards every day even though this all started back in 2004. We all have secrets, and PostSecret has helped us realized how many people all over the world share similar ones. I've always wanted to go to a PostSecret exhibit, but they are usually in the Northeast and the ONE time it was close enough to me here in SoCal, it was basically only for the college students...

I actually submitted 2 secrets into PostSecret, they never got posted on the site. I'm hoping that maybe at least one of them is on display at the exhibits as some of them are banned from the books... I know this is highly unlikely. I'm not bitter about it... I know that thousands and thousands of secrets have been submitted, so, mine being overlooked or deemed unworthy to share is highly likely and completely OK

OK. Maybe I'm a little bitter, but, that doesn't stop me from checking the website every Sunday when about 20 new secrets are posted.

Anyway, I'm not saying that I'm more concerned about finding a new girlfriend over getting a new job. I've been successful about quitting the dating websites cold turkey.

Dating isn't my #1 concern, but it has been on my mind. I guess I'm just getting used to being single and it's weird for me. Don't judge! I'm sure some of you are thinking, "dudette, you haven't been single for THAT long!" I have a couple of friends who have been single for years and probably want to slap me right about now.

I've been doing well in the thinking-just-about-me department. I've been doing research on the different grad schools I could go to as I'm considering going part-time instead of full-time, I've been working on my YA novel, and working on continuing to eat healthy and get into better shape (not for vanity/dating purposes, I swear!)

So, yes, I am single and I'm OK with that and I'm just working on my stuff! I'm even planning on getting my butt out of my place to work on my novel at a cafe! This cafe just so happens to be a gay-friendly one in Long Beach...

Hey, I said that I wouldn't go actively looking for a date, but I didn't say that I wouldn't allow myself to be out there and available for someone to happen upon me or vice versa...Don't judge me... I have family that live in Long Beach anyway, so it's not like I'm driving 30 miles just for a cup of coffee among lesbians! If I'm not going to any lesbian bars as they are not my thing and I'm trying to get hired at a place where it really isn't appropriate or a good idea to meet potential dates AND I have horrible gaydar, where else am I going to meet someone without succumbing to online dating?

Why do I keep talking about this? I'm attempting to hold onto certain ideas of dating and love. Also, in all honesty... I'm scared. This is the first time in my life being single as a relatively out lesbian, so, I'm a little anxious

It's kind of like... I don't want a relationship right now, dating would be nice but isn't necessary, but that worry of not meeting anyone exists. I know it's illogical. I never thought of what it would be like to be gay and single before. It was different when I was single but wasn't 100% certain I was gay (because denial is such a strong force), and then I met the one and only girlfriend I've ever had (yup... I've only had just the one) and during that relationship is when I finally accepted that I am lesbian and came out. So, now, I'm left with this new situation, and just like anything unfamiliar it's scary.

Now, if I was interested in more butch lesbians, maybe I wouldn't worry so much? I have NO problem identifying those women as gay, but, let's be honest, who DOES have a problem figuring out that those women are gay?

But, alas, those are not the type of women I am attracted to, and let's continue this honesty thing here- physical attraction IS important to a certain extent! I mean, I can agree that Kate Moennig is good looking, but even SHE isn't my cup of tea

So, I'm sure by now you've figured which celebrity is more like my cup of tea -Olivia Wilde- but I also don't live in la-la land and think that I could find a lesbian that looks like her and also be attracted to someone like me. Someone inbetween Olivia Wilde and Kate Moennig would be nice...

So, I guess what is fueling this fear is the fact that when I look at my surroundings in my everyday life, I don't see the opportunities of meeting someone. I realize this is an over generalization, but, in the straight world, any person of the opposite sex that you meet is basically an opportunity. In the gay realm, you can meet someone of the same sex but have NO idea whether or not they are gay and on top of that whether they are interested in you. Also, being a part of one of the smallest minorities in the world doesn't help ease this fear...

However, this isn't something that I am losing sleep over and it's really not a priority in my life right now. It's still scary and unfamiliar, but, that's what makes life interesting isn't it?

In the mean time, I have stuff like this to keep me occupied/drool over. Enjoy.

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